Dragon Frontline Episode 1
by Elven Sesshoumaru
Summary: The dragons of Lunar discuss all important topics. This week's topic: Relationships!


((Author's note: This is a silly piece of work that has a lot of character bashing, even on series and characters that *I* love, so basically if you can't view this fanfic with good humor and simply enjoy it for the zany nature of the piece I advise you really don't read this. Thank you.))   
  
  
  


The camera comes on and zooms in on four small cat sized dragons sitting around what resembled a news desk. The camera pans over to an older man seated comfortably in a chair who faces the camera. 

"Hello, I'm Professor Oak and you're watching Dragon Frontline. This is the show where we discuss any and every issue that is important to all dragons out there. Tonight the main topic is relationships, our hosts will be discussing-" Professor Oak was rambling on when he was interrupted by a yell from the desk where the dragons were seated. 

"Hey old man, this show is about us and out opinions so hurry it up, will ya?!" Ruby yelled, glaring across the stage at Professor Oak who nodded a bit fearfully. 

"Ah yes, well.. We'll be discussing all sorts of things so let me turn this over to your hosts, the four dragons of Lunar." Professor Oak finished hurriedly. The camera pans back to the four dragons who sit waiting for the attention to change focus to them. 

"Tonight the topic is relationships, or rather, who should, shouldn't, and could hook up!" Ruby said happily grinning at Nall who glared. 

"Can't you be serious, Ruby?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at her as she smiled back. 

"Anyway! Tonight we'll begin with the residents of the world of Lunar and continue from there." Ruby added, changing the subject back. Sapphire the blue dragon had fallen asleep sitting up, meanwhile Black Beauty (Referred to as Black for simplicity) was sitting silently listening. 

"There are many possible pairings in the world of Lunar, past and present. There was once some speculation about certain characters and with that said let's bring out our first special guests." Nall said, and flapped his wings to hover in the air before transforming into a fully clothed human. Ghaleon and Nash walked onto the stage, the former looking unamused and the latter looking confused as to why he was there. 

"Welcome, have a seat." Nall said to both who took a seat before he went back to lean against the desk. 

"Ghaleon, Nash, this is just a scenario so try and follow me on this. Let's say that you two are lovers and-" Nall began but was interrupted. 

"Let's NOT say that." Ghaleon replied with a look of being sickened at the very idea. Nash looked hurt but tried to hide his wishful thinking behind the guise of paying attention. 

"Come on now, just hypothetically, not for real. Let's say you are lovers. There has been some speculation from some that Ghaleon rather than Nash would be the submissive one. What are your comments on this?" Nall asked. Nash blushed while Ghaleon looked even more disgusted.   
  


"If I were in theory to have an intimate relationship with him there would be no way in hell that I would be the submissive one. I'd die a third time before I'd let that happen unless I couldn't help it and was overwhelmed by someone stronger, but that's a separate issue and wouldn't apply to Nash who is a weakling. Oh, and when I began with 'if' that was a big if, as in never." Ghaleon finished looking satisfied having said his piece. 

"Yeah, Ghaleon would be Nash's whip master!" Ruby said and then nearly rolled from the desk in a fit of laughter. 

"If you're done with this line of discussion I'm leaving." Ghaleon said getting up and walking off stage. 

"Well, I guess that's it for those questions. Now, while we've got you here Nash what are your feelings on Mia Ausa?" Nall asked. 

"He botched it!" yelled Sapphire who woke suddenly and looked around. 

"Shut up Sapphire!" Ruby and Nall both yelled. 

"Go back to sleep." Black added in before returning to watching things.   
  


"Oh I love Mia! I think she really liked me too!" Nash said in a fit of joy. 

"Oh really, well check this out Nash! We actually questioned Mia earlier today and here's what she said." Ruby announced while laughing maliciously. On the screen behind them appeared an image of Mia being questioned. 

"So, how do you feel about Nash" Nall's voice asked on the tape. Nash listened hopefully for an answer. 

"Well, I really love Nash... Like I love all my friends." Mia answered. Nash's face fell at the answer. 

"But how would you feel about an intimate relationship with Nash?" Nall's taped voice asked again. 

"Um well... I mean he's nice and all but I really don't think he's the kind of person I'd want to settle down and spend my life with." Mia replied. Nash was nearly in tears as the tape cut off. 

"It looks like Nash will be destined to whip off in the tool shed of Vane for all eternity!" Ruby said triumphantly as she laughed. Nall popped back into his cat dragon form at Ruby's words and glared, 

"God Ruby, Shut up! That was so crass!" Nall yelled. 

"Yeah but, it's funny and true! Oh wait, I know who might hook up with Nash and be submissive! Alex!" Ruby said, grinning. 

"Nuh-uh Ruby!" Nall yelled over at her. 

"Oh come on Nall. Excluding a few occasions the most that would usually come out of Alex' mouth was '...' or 'Luna...'. That aside think about his speech before he fought Ghaleon that last time! While Ghaleon is all ready to whoop him Alex comes off sounding like he borrowed his lines from sailor moon! He even said, 'And that means you, Ghaleon'! All he needed was the skirt!" Ruby roared with laughter. 

"Oh hell no! That just wouldn't happen!" Nall said, then faced Nash. 

"Um, I think we're done with you now so you can leave." Nall said and watched Nash walk sadly from the stage. 

"Okay on to our next speculation! I think one of the characters who many questions come up about is Leo the White Knight. The main question is whether he prefers men or women." Nall said cheerfully. 

"Come on Nall, do you NEED to ask? Sure some people would try and hook him up with Jean just because excluding Lemina they're the only supposedly single people at the end of the game. The very first time I met him he tried to hit on Hiro who was at least ten years younger than him at that time!" Ruby said indignantly. 

"Hmm.. Well his is in the military and you know about those rumors...." Nall said. Black nodded while Sapphire was drooling on the desk. 

"My first bit of evidence is that as old as he was that he'd never married or dated. Second he spends so much time around Ronfar and is all good-buddy mentality with most men. I'd say he would have even hit on Ghaleon if he thought he could." Ruby said. 

"You're probably right." Nall said and then looked at one of the directors who was motioning at him. 

"Oh yeah, I nearly forgot that we've got one more Lunar special guest. Let's welcome Lucia, all the way from the Blue Star." Nall said. Lucia walked onto the stage smiling. 

"Hi!" she said, sitting happily. 

"Okay Lucia, you've heard what we've discussed so what do you have to say about all this?" Nall asked, folding his paws. 

"Um well... Uh... Why is the flower so soft, yet the snake so deadly?" she said in a poetic voice and then smiled happily. 

"Hey is that a metaphor for-" Ruby began. 

"Hush Ruby!" Nall hissed, knowing what she was going to say. 

"Okay, okay, but it is kind of snake like!" Ruby said quickly and then laughed. 

"Shut up already Ruby! Don't you know Lucia is young and impressionable?!" Nall shouted and then turned to Lucia. 

"You can go now." he said, watching Lucia walk off stage. 

"Ruby, you are such a perv sometimes." Nall said, shaking his head, and re-folding his wings. 

"Oh sure, like you're not, you just cover it better than I do." Ruby said, rolling her eyes. 

"Uh, might we move to the next subject?" Black said. 

"Oh, right! Next, moving away from Lunar we'll be discussing the Sailor Moon!" Ruby said, grinning. 

"So just who would hook up with who?" Nall asked. 

"Well, I think it's already established that Amara and Michelle are lovers, I mean they couldn't get any more blunt about it if they tried, even with the lame editing that daytime American t.v. gave it their relationship was sill quite obvious. I think the real question about Amara and Michelle is who is the dominant one, in bed that is. Yes it may very well seem that Amara is dominant however you have to watch out for those quiet ones, they can be rough." Ruby said scientifically as if analyzing all this. Black smirked at Ruby's comment but then wiped his facial expression clean when he suspected that Nall might've been looking his direction. 

"Hey, what about when you said Alex would be submissive because he hardly talks?" Nall said indignantly. 

"That's different, Nall. First of all when Alex did talk it was lame unlike Michelle which is educated. Second Alec wore a stupid hat, that's bad enough." Ruby said. Nall quirked an eyebrow. 

"Yeah but Ghaleon wore a stupid hat too but he isn't submissive." Nall replied. 

"I have to explain everything don't I? Ghaleon is different from Alex in several ways. First of all he's much more attractive and has pointed ears. Second I don't believe that hat was his choice because he wasn't wearing it when Luna saw him when he was hanging out on his free time, that hat was forced on him by the Vane Magic Guild and people like Mia's mother. He didn't have a choice about wearing it if he wanted to keep his job. Third, unlike Alex, Ghaleon ditched his hat as soon as he could for some skintight clothes , shoulder guards, and a cape all of which just scream whip master." Ruby said, and then made a shrugging gesture as though all of this were simple information Nall should've known. Nall sighed and shrugged as well, 

"Anyway, back to Sailor Moon." he said and waited for Ruby to take over again. 

"Hmm, well again we also know that Zoicite was hooking up with Malachite and that Zoi was most certainly Malachite's whip master too, effiminate as Zoi was. The main Sailor Scouts could potentially hook up but if there were any I would say that they likely wouldn't involve Serena because she'd be too dense to keep up. Jupiter and Mars or either of them with Mercury would work. Venus would be too vain to risk her status on a same-sex relationship." Ruby said. 

"Yeah she seemed stuck up." Nall agreed. 

"Hey what about those three guys, the Amazon twins?" Nall added. 

"Oh that's right! But weren't there three of them? Shouldn't that make them the Amazon triplets? Feh, go figure. Anyway, that's a perfect thought Nall! Even though Hawkseye and Tigerseye were kind of chick hunting sometimes they seemed pretty fond of each other and unlike his brothers Fisheye didn't even try to fake his disposition, he just went after men. I think that those three definitely had something going on but I would bet fifty silver that Hawkseye was the most submissive of the bunch." Ruby said. 

"I'll have to remember to take you up on that bet later." Nall said. 

"The cast of the Slayers series' are next." Black said in a monotone voice, getting Ruby and Nall's attention. 

"Oh right!" Nall said and then composed himself. 

"There's the pairing of Lina and Gourry, but that is the only relationship that is certain." Nall said. 

"Yep, but there are plenty of people who establish personal relationships between characters that aren't actually there. For example the pairings of Amelia and Zelgadis and then Xellos and Filia are completely full of it! Let's start with the relationship of Xellos and Filia since she's a dragon. I personally can't see them getting together." Ruby said. Suddenly Xellos appears on the stage and takes a bow. 

"Hello!" he said, smirking. "Where'd you come from?" Nall asked. 

"Now that... Is a secret!" Xellos said and winked at Nall who took on a disgruntled look. 

"Uh.. Yeah... So, as long as you're here how close is your relationship with Filia?" Ruby asked. 

"Oh, that annoying Dragon wench? Let's just say that I would be quite happy to kill her if my master ordered me to." Xellos said and then teleported away before Ruby could ask any questions. 

"Hmph, well besides being aloof he doesn't seem all that bad. I don't know where they got that dragon Filia but she's insane. I personally think that she literally has mental problems." Ruby said. 

"That's a little harsh, Ruby." Nall said. 

"Yeah well, It's my opinion. I think he might be more likely to hook up with Valgaav. Anyway, the next group is Zelgadis and Amelia. First of all can you get a load of Zelgadis, nothing ever makes him happy. That aside I don't think they'd marry." Ruby said. 

"Yeah, he's like got a case of manic depression and Filia seems psychotic. I do think though that Zelgadis is a horny young male who would take what he could get if he could get it. I mean when he thought he could make out with Amelia he started blushing but when princess Miwan came along he dropped Amelia like a hot potato and he seemed pretty fond of Filia too." Nall said. Ruby nodded. 

"Yeah I'd agree. He would get some if he could but he can't unless his partner likes to have internal bleeding... Hey wait! Xellos would probably like that, he IS a masochist!" Ruby said. 

"Aw gods Ruby, I'm going to blow fish chunks if you keep saying things that give me mental images." Nall said. 

"Oh you'll live." Ruby replied, and then paused a minute. 

"I think though that Amelia would either hook up with someone sensitive like Sylphiel or just grow up to be an old maid/spinster kind of person." Ruby said, trying to move on. 

"Yeah, I think so. Oh, and you know who's always been an odd character for me to mentally get? Rezo, I mean he's blind and yet lives in a huge castle with dangerous stairwells." Nall said and Ruby rolled her eyes. 

"Let's not insult blind men Nall." she said sarcastically. 

"Oh yeah, like we don't insult everyone else." Nall said. 

"Well, there's one more point I want to make about slayers before we move on. I once saw someone who said that Gaav was a bishounen. He may be a dragon and I can appreciate him for that but there is NO way he's a bishounen. Here's my reasoning. First of all he's big and tall and burly. Second, he's got bushy eyebrows that are bigger than my tail! Third, he has nappy hair, it's all one big matted, nasty ponytail. Fourth he is neither young, and boyish, and neither is he pretty. He also wears a orange trench coat." Ruby said. Nall sweatdropped. 

"What did that have to do with anything?" he asked. 

"Mmm... I don't know, I just needed to say it. On to the next group, the Fushigi Yugi people! There's lots of couplings there so we'll only go over a few. One that I've noticed is a trend is the pairing of Tasuki and Chichiri. What do you think Nall?" Ruby asked. 

"Well, I'd say that it's unlikely. First of all Chichiri is a monk and has certain things he has to follow. Second he is emotionally wounded and regardless of the sex of person he hooked up with he'd need therapy before he could have a normal relationship. Third, no real relationship was ever established between the two of them." Nall said. 

"Yeah, I agree. I think though that in the theoretical sense of IF they had a relationship some people have things a little backwards. It seems to me that most people pin Chichiri as the submissive character, even when performing dominate acts, which I would disagree with. I think Chichiri could be very dominant and forceful! I believe this for several reasons. He is older and taller than Tasuki. He's also more intelligent, meaning he probably knows some dirty tricks to be the dominant one." Ruby said, satisfied with her analysis. 

"Mmm, that makes sense. Another couple who've popped into my mind is that of Amiboshi and Suboshi, they seem very likely but I wonder if Nakago might've gotten in on their little relationship at some point and made it a threesome." Nall said. Ruby nodded with a paw on her chin. 

"Very likely, how about our next group, those of Yu-Gi-Oh!." Ruby said. 

"Well, I have to say that the pairing of Mokuba and Kaiba wouldn't be a bad idea if Mokuba was a little older or a lot taller. That aside there's a lot of grouping of people and their Yami's." Nall said. 

"Ah yes, that is an interesting concept, almost like being with ones self. Ahem... That aside I'd say there is one pairing I very much so disagree with more than any on Yu-gi-oh and that would be the Dark Magician and the Dark Magician Girl. They are SO not a match. DMG is way too perky, hyper, and immature whilst DM is serious, controlled, and intelligent."Ruby said. 

"Ah yes, I would agree, much like people tack us together just because we're dragons?" Nall said. 

"Yeah, perfect simile Nall!" Ruby said and then paused a minute. 

"You know who I feel sorry for Nall?" Ruby said. 

"Huh? You're actually sorry for someone, that's new." Nall said, earning a glare from Ruby. 

"Seriously! I feel bad for Pegasus of Yu-Gi-Oh and Aburatsubo of Magic Users Club, they're both abandoned and abused and should hook up for that very reason." Ruby said. 

"Ruby, you're so weird..." Nall muttered and then shook his head. 

"Ah well, this has been a long episode but I've one more thing I have to discuss before we go. It doesn't have to do with anime or games but it's just been eating at the back of my mind." Ruby said. 

"Well, spit it!" Nall replied. 

"All right then. I've noticed a most frequent assumed pairing of characters from the Harry Potter series. Namely, Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter. Now my first reaction is Ewww... not that it's a male-male relationship but just the mental image. I mean follow me here. Think about how they look. Take Draco first, he's pale to begin with, and not nice looking pale like Ghaleon. His hair is SLICKED BACK! I mean WAAAAY slicked back! It's almost even with his scalp and if he slicked it back any more he'd be a bald kid! Then check out Harry, he's short and has shaggy nappy hair and a scar on his forehead, not that scars are bad, but it just doesn't work for Harry like it does for Chichiri. Now here's the worst thought, these two are both like pre-teen/early-teen little boys, pale, pasty, hairless little boys who have yet to fully get their manhood." Ruby said. 

"Augh, Ruby! Enough." Nall said, his overactive imagination not helping his stomach any. 

"Yeah, my point in case. I think that if Harry were going to be with a Malfoy it should be Draco's father, Lucius." Ruby said. 

"Uh Ruby, that's like bordering on molestation, in fact that is molestation." Nall said. "What if Harry was consenting?" Ruby asked. 

"Nope, still molestation because Harry's a minor." Nall said. Ruby thought a moment and then grinned. 

"Ooh, I know who would make a perfect pair! Snape and Lucius should hook up! They both know each other, look good, and are consenting adults!" Ruby said grinning at her deduction. 

"Hmmm yeah. It'd be more likely than Dumbledore hooking up. I mean maybe a couple decades back he might've hooked up with McGonagall but she's moved on because he's old. She's probably hooked up with either Lupin or the flying intructor. Lupin might hook up with Snape, I mean, Snape did help him." Nall said. Ruby was chuckling at the thought of McGonagall hooking up and then nodded in agreement about Lupin. 

"Yeah, maybe, but Snape and Lucius make a better couple." Ruby added. Black looked up at the clock and back at Ruby, and Nall. 

"Time to stop." he said. Ruby and Nall both sighed and nodded after gazing at the wall clock. 

"Well, I guess that's it for this session of Dragon Frontline, see you all next time!" Ruby said as Black shook Sapphire awake. The music from the Kit-Kat 'Give me a Break!' commercial comes on and the four dragons begin to dance on the news desk as the credits roll.   
  
  
  



End file.
